Has it been worth it?

balance scale

First, let me say that this is not a “pity party”.  I’m at a crossroads.  Debating whether I should try to keep going or throw in the towel.

I haven’t lost anything since May 18.  In fact, when I go to the doctor for my weigh-in this morning, I will actually be heavier.  I had the lowest calorie possible burrito bowl from Chipotle for lunch yesterday.  But the salt content has made me blow up like an Oompah-Loompa.  That eating one thing makes me gain two pounds literally overnight, yet takes days to lose, is unfair. I was still under my calorie count yesterday!  It erases all of the sacrifice that I’ve been making this past month.

I’ve lost 50 pounds.  And it’s not been the dramatic transformation for me that it’s been for others who’ve lost a similar amount. My face is still round.  I’m still fat.  I now have even less to wear because practically everything I own is too big.  I don’t have money to buy a new wardrobe.  So, I’m wearing the same things week in and week out.  I’m grateful for the people who have been kind enough to notice the weight loss, but honestly, not many people have.  It’s probably because I was really fat to begin with.  The results have been unequal to the effort, commitment and sacrifice I’ve made.  And to keep on doing this with no more weight loss, ugh.

“Change what you’re doing”. “Exercise more”. “Drink more water”.  Been there, done that.  I don’t get to take “cheat days” because I gain weight.  I exercise and I gain weight.  Marathon Man, Little Minion and I took a 10-mile bike ride on Sunday.  We were all well-hydrated.  Because of the calories I burned on that ride,  at the end of the day I was 600 calories UNDER.  Next morning…two pounds heavier.

My doctor told me that because of my age, exercise is not going to help me lose weight.  The only way is to limit my calories and eat healthier.  So that’s what I’ve done.  Have I reached a plateau?  Probably.  I’m eating 1300 calories.  I can’t eat less.  I can eat more, but then I gain weight.  I wonder if this is as far as I can go?   Have I lost all the weight I can lose?  And now, it’s just a matter of maintaining my 220 pound body for the rest of my life?  If that’s the case, I need to rethink if it’s worth it.

No health issues.  No thyroid issues.  Just a dumb body that refuses to do what I’m trying to get it to do.

What to do? What to do?

Live. Laugh. Love.

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6 thoughts on “Has it been worth it?

  1. Just my two cents, as someone who struggled with trying to lose weight for years and had many of these same thoughts. I had an unhealthy obsession with counting calories and exercising and felt like if I stopped for even one day I would gain weight. The scale said I did! In my case I didn’t even have that much to lose but it felt like a huge burden on my whole life that I couldn’t get rid of it. I feel so much better after getting off that silly ride, and though I went through some ups and downs weight-wise since then I am not at all unhappy with where I am right now over a year after making the decision to stop. If you feel like you are ready to throw in the towel completely, maybe your outlook would improve if you found a way to make it not such a battle all the time. See if you can find a balance. You’ve been eating 1300 calories (or less) a day for a long time–you probably know pretty well about how much food that is without counting it out every single day. Do you want to be counting calories for the rest of your life? I didn’t! Maybe try an experiment. Try to adopt what you see as your ultimate end lifestyle–eating smaller portions without counting calories (include a reality check day now and then), moderate exercising for fun and because it makes you feel better–and see after a few months how your body responds. Give yourself plenty of time and look at your lifestyle honestly and decide what’s worth it and what’s not. I’m not suggesting that you will lose more weight this way but what I’m saying is if you feel like giving up because it’s not worth it, don’t keep killing yourself over it… envision the lifestyle you aim to have at the end of this all and see what happens if you try it now. At worst you’ll decide you really do still want to actively keep trying to lose weight and will redouble your efforts with renewed enthusiasm. At best you’ve attained your end goal. Again, just my two cents and maybe you think it’s a bad idea to try that right now. I would understand. It took forever for me to get past the idea that I didn’t HAVE to keep fighting my body if I didn’t choose to. I just know the mental struggle very well and sympathize. Good luck to you!!

    1. Thanks Danielle–It might not be a bad idea to put Livestrong away for a little while. And you’re right. I do know pretty much what I should eat and what to stay away from. I’ve had a love/hate relationship with food my whole adult life. I love to eat, but hate what it does to me. Finding that balance is like the quest for the Holy Grail.

      But, I am all about vision and I do like your idea about living my life as if I’ve reached my goals. Thanks again.

  2. Most precious girl. Love yourself right now. Write out a few nice things about yourself. Keep at it. You may be surprised at changes still to come and I wonder if yih should eat

  3. please don’t throw in the towel…be proud that you have lost 50 pounds! that is alot of work…but I agree – the battle is tough. I don’t count calories but I do excersise alot…i don’t agree with your doctor and I do agree with your doctor…here is how I see it…we lose weight in the kitchen, we get fit in the gym. So yes you do have to be conscious of the food choices if you want to lose weight. Try a clean eating plan – that is what made the biggest difference for me – I could eat all day as long a it was “clean” no preservatives etc… I”ve been blogging my journey for 2 years…keep going – its not a race – you will have success!

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