First, let me say that this is not a “pity party”. I’m at a crossroads. Debating whether I should try to keep going or throw in the towel.
I haven’t lost anything since May 18. In fact, when I go to the doctor for my weigh-in this morning, I will actually be heavier. I had the lowest calorie possible burrito bowl from Chipotle for lunch yesterday. But the salt content has made me blow up like an Oompah-Loompa. That eating one thing makes me gain two pounds literally overnight, yet takes days to lose, is unfair. I was still under my calorie count yesterday! It erases all of the sacrifice that I’ve been making this past month.
I’ve lost 50 pounds. And it’s not been the dramatic transformation for me that it’s been for others who’ve lost a similar amount. My face is still round. I’m still fat. I now have even less to wear because practically everything I own is too big. I don’t have money to buy a new wardrobe. So, I’m wearing the same things week in and week out. I’m grateful for the people who have been kind enough to notice the weight loss, but honestly, not many people have. It’s probably because I was really fat to begin with. The results have been unequal to the effort, commitment and sacrifice I’ve made. And to keep on doing this with no more weight loss, ugh.
“Change what you’re doing”. “Exercise more”. “Drink more water”. Been there, done that. I don’t get to take “cheat days” because I gain weight. I exercise and I gain weight. Marathon Man, Little Minion and I took a 10-mile bike ride on Sunday. We were all well-hydrated. Because of the calories I burned on that ride, at the end of the day I was 600 calories UNDER. Next morning…two pounds heavier.
My doctor told me that because of my age, exercise is not going to help me lose weight. The only way is to limit my calories and eat healthier. So that’s what I’ve done. Have I reached a plateau? Probably. I’m eating 1300 calories. I can’t eat less. I can eat more, but then I gain weight. I wonder if this is as far as I can go? Have I lost all the weight I can lose? And now, it’s just a matter of maintaining my 220 pound body for the rest of my life? If that’s the case, I need to rethink if it’s worth it.
No health issues. No thyroid issues. Just a dumb body that refuses to do what I’m trying to get it to do.
What to do? What to do?
Live. Laugh. Love.
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